Saturday, August 6, 2011

Things I want to make Angela say out loud.

My friend Angela lives in Australia.  Don't ask me why.  She belongs here with me but insists on living there where I just learned they don't even have graham crackers.  True story, you guys.  No s'mores.  Read that again.  No.  S'mores.  Try to wrap your mind around that.  It's not pretty.

Also?  What do they feed their babies and toddlers when they're trying to cook dinner?  I would get nothing done without graham crackers.  Nothing.

Other things about Australia:  It's winter over there.  It's also tomorrow.  Seriously.  It's like a parallel universe.  Plus a time warp.  All in one.  And while they don't have graham crackers, they do have dingoes.  Dingoes, as you know, eat babies.  So maybe they don't actually need graham crackers, because all the babies have been eaten by dingoes and so the mothers are able to cook dinner in peace. This would also explain why Australia needs to steal my friends.  It's how they keep their population up.  It's all coming together.

Anyway, she's living over there, going to school, being glamorous and international.  And the other day she told me that she reads my blog aloud to her glamorous, international roommates!  And sometimes they laugh.  So I can now accurately say that I am internationally acclaimed.

You guys:  I am an internationally acclaimed blogger.

But that's not the point of this post.  The point is: did you notice that I said Angela reads this blog ALOUD to her roommates?  That means I've been offered a prime opportunity here.  And so I'm introducing a new segment:  Things I want to make Angela say out loud.

Now, I won't actually be able to hear her say these things, but I'll imagine it, and that's good enough for me., it's not.  Note to Angela's roommates:  please comment on this post and let me know if she said all these things out loud, and if so, how funny it was, on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being not funny at all and 10 being so funny you snorted your chocolate milk (you do have chocolate milk there, don't you?  I really hope so or this whole scale is meaningless) out your nose.

Without further ado.

Things I want to make Angela say out loud:

(With feeling, please, Ang.  Come on.)

  1. I only moved here because I'm, like, sooooooooo in love with Crocodile Dundee.
  2. I.  Love.  Peanut butter.* 
  3. Great green globs of greasy, grimy gopher guts; mutilated monkey meat; little birdies' dirty feet; great green globs of greasy, grimy gopher guts, AND I FORGOT MY SPOON.
  4. "Love You Forever" is the creepiest, most inappropriate book of all time.  I will never buy this for a child again as long as I live.  What is wrong with me?  Why would I buy this for Alyssa's children?  I am a sick, sick individual and I need help.  I hang my head in shame.
  5. Honestly?  Australia kinda sucks.  U! S! A!  ...  U! S! A! ... U! S! A!
  6. If Jeff Probst had to choose between marrying me or marrying Alyssa, he would totally choose Alyssa, because she is awesome. 
Aw!  Thanks, Ang.  I'm glad you finally admitted that Probst would fall in love with me at first sight.  But you know what?  I'm taken.  Duh.  You were in my wedding, remember?  So he's all yours.  But only if you promise to come back to California and live next door to me so we can hang out and eat fried cheese and so I can, you know, enjoy Probst's, um, company.

*She hates peanut butter, you guys.  That's why it's funny.


  1. done. but under protest. and don't worry, you would have been proud of the cheese factor :-D

  2. @Angela
    i don't want to hear it from YOU! i need to hear from your audience. i need a rating on the chocolate milk scale. i mean, these people won't subscribe, they won't they even exist? and if they do, why do they hate me? ask them why they hate me. i mean first alaska, now australia?

  3. It is disappointing that we don't have s'mores. What's worse is that Angela made them with one of her other non existent Australian housemates that hates you, while I had to work on Friday night. I have NEVER even had a smore!

    Now if I had chocolate milk it would have been coming out my nose... I'm not sure what I found the most funniest; Ang declaring her love for Crocodile Dundee (which the accent and the emphasis on the wors 'like' and 'so' was an interesting change to her 'Southern accent'!) or Ang saying that she loves Peanut Butter! I thoroughly enjoyed Ang hanging her head in shame, literally. I did, however, not enjoy the fist pumping and chanting of 'USA'! I am one patriotic Aussie! But she did say everything out loud and with feeling!

    Just so you know, Angela has forced me to post this. I got one very 'abusive' text message whilst at work so I've dropped everything to post this Alyssa! If all the school children and young adults of the state suddenly freak out and don't know how to help people who are disadvantaged because I'm not there to help them, then it's on Angela!

    As much as I enjoy Ang reading your blog to me I promise I'll subscribe... But that does take the fun out of your new segment.

    Oh, we feed babies Milk Arrowroots...

  4. @Roz
    Roz!!! Welcome!!! I'm so very glad you exist and are not a figment of Angela's imagination. Whew. Mental health crisis averted.

    Don't worry, you can subscribe and then never look at it again, and Angela will still have to read it to you. I would never take that away from you.

    I can't believe you've never had a s'more. This makes me sad, truly. And what is a Milk Arrowroot?? We may have to exchange care packages soon. Stand by for more information on that.

  5. No graham crackers?! How do you survive Angela? Ever since I was in the hospital when I had Joey I have an addiction to graham crackers and apple juice.

  6. Ok i've no idea what graham crackers are, was only told today what s'mores are made of, so im on even par with these aussies, only thing is i'm irish and a whole other dimension altogether. Ang read this to me, lets say for her it was a 10 on the chocolate milk snokler scale for me about a 5, mostlty seeing ang laugh her head off made me laugh the most!!

  7. @Triona
    Irish! that IS a glamorous and international house. and this is now a glamorous and international blog.

    a 5 on the scale is not good enough. I'll have to do better next time.

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