Also? What do they feed their babies and toddlers when they're trying to cook dinner? I would get nothing done without graham crackers. Nothing.
Other things about Australia: It's winter over there. It's also tomorrow. Seriously. It's like a parallel universe. Plus a time warp. All in one. And while they don't have graham crackers, they do have dingoes. Dingoes, as you know, eat babies. So maybe they don't actually need graham crackers, because all the babies have been eaten by dingoes and so the mothers are able to cook dinner in peace. This would also explain why Australia needs to steal my friends. It's how they keep their population up. It's all coming together.
Anyway, she's living over there, going to school, being glamorous and international. And the other day she told me that she reads my blog aloud to her glamorous, international roommates! And sometimes they laugh. So I can now accurately say that I am internationally acclaimed.
You guys: I am an internationally acclaimed blogger.
But that's not the point of this post. The point is: did you notice that I said Angela reads this blog ALOUD to her roommates? That means I've been offered a prime opportunity here. And so I'm introducing a new segment: Things I want to make Angela say out loud.
Now, I won't actually be able to hear her say these things, but I'll imagine it, and that's good enough for me. Actually...no, it's not. Note to Angela's roommates: please comment on this post and let me know if she said all these things out loud, and if so, how funny it was, on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being not funny at all and 10 being so funny you snorted your chocolate milk (you do have chocolate milk there, don't you? I really hope so or this whole scale is meaningless) out your nose.
Without further ado.
Things I want to make Angela say out loud:
(With feeling, please, Ang. Come on.)
- I only moved here because I'm, like, sooooooooo in love with Crocodile Dundee.
- I. Love. Peanut butter.*
- Great green globs of greasy, grimy gopher guts; mutilated monkey meat; little birdies' dirty feet; great green globs of greasy, grimy gopher guts, AND I FORGOT MY SPOON.
- "Love You Forever" is the creepiest, most inappropriate book of all time. I will never buy this for a child again as long as I live. What is wrong with me? Why would I buy this for Alyssa's children? I am a sick, sick individual and I need help. I hang my head in shame.
- Honestly? Australia kinda sucks. U! S! A! ... U! S! A! ... U! S! A!
- If Jeff Probst had to choose between marrying me or marrying Alyssa, he would totally choose Alyssa, because she is awesome.
Aw! Thanks, Ang. I'm glad you finally admitted that Probst would fall in love with me at first sight. But you know what? I'm taken. Duh. You were in my wedding, remember? So he's all yours. But only if you promise to come back to California and live next door to me so we can hang out and eat fried cheese and so I can, you know, enjoy Probst's, um, company.
*She hates peanut butter, you guys. That's why it's funny.