Text Message...well, Wednesday. The get fit edition.

Remember Text Message Tuesday? Remember Ashley? Of course you do.

Here we go:

Alyssa says
i worked out this morning. on the elliptical. i got up EARLY and WORKED OUT.

[Editor's note: this elliptical.]

Editor's note: NOT. ME.

Ashley says
And I'm eating Carmelita's for breakfast. What a strange turn of events.

Alyssa says
indeed.
oh, also? I'M DRINKING WATER.
i mean, i had my morning dew, obviously, but instead of cracking open another one right after, i chose water.

Ashley says
Oh my. What's gotten into you?

Alyssa says
i was possessed by some weird wild idea last night to step on the scale.

Ashley says
Oh

Alyssa says
i did not like what i saw. at. all.
so how are your carmelitas? what ARE carmelitas?

Ashley says
I'm not sure I should tell you.

Alyssa says
whatever, there are donuts for sale 10 feet from here. if i can resist those i can resist your carmelitas description.

Ashley says
I pinned them a few days ago. It's Carmel and chocolate and yummy crust all smooshed together. So good
I'm going to finish the pan so that they're gone. Then I'm starting my diet.

Alyssa says
but not better than oatmeal squares and water, right?

Ashley says
Um, no way. So gross compared to that.
How long did you elliptical for?

Alyssa says
haha. i'm not telling because it's shameful. i did as much as i could, ok? considering i haven't worked out in, oh, 6 or 7 years.

Ashley says
Come on.

Alyssa says
no way! my husband already made fun of me, i don't need it from you too. just be proud that i DID it.

Ashley says
I will be! Tell me! What was it? 5 minutes?

Alyssa says
like, imagine i'm one of those huge women who has to be lifted by crane, and i just got out of bed and walked upstairs. YAY!!!

Ashley says
No, cuz you're not one of those women.

Alyssa says
it was 10 minutes, dude.

Ashley says
Okay, 10 minutes is great! Good job!

Alyssa says
You are such a liar.
i'm pretty sure on the inside, i AM one of those women. i was trying to remember the last time i exercised and i actually CANNOT remember.

Ashley says
I remember. You got on a kick last summer and went walking a few times.

Alyssa says
hahaha. walking. that doesn't even count. everybody walks.

Ashley says 
I think I tried to tell you that at the time and you were all "but I made a drop of sweat! It counts!"

Alyssa says
i was lying to myself. you know that.
and really, i guess for a woman who has to be lifted by crane, it DOES count. but this counts WAY MORE.

***

It totally DOES, right you guys? I'm going to drop those 5 or 10 or 30 pounds in NO TIME, right?? Right?

Twilight. I Love it. Also, I hate it. But man do I love it.

I think the Twilight series is awful. It's a terrible example of how to be a woman, of how to love a man, of how to live your life. Worse, it's poorly written. It's full of plot holes and angst and purple prose. The movies are poorly acted, poorly directed, and somehow even more poorly written than the books. They turn Robert Pattinson, a beautiful, charismatic man in other contexts, into somebody I want to punch in the face.

I fully intend to go see Breaking Dawn: Part I as soon as possible.

I'll do this in spite of all the awful reviews. I expect awful reviews. I believe the awful reviews, and anticipate that I will agree with them wholeheartedly. But I'll put down my $10 to see it anyway.

Because I love Twilight.

No, you don't have to "love it or hate it," as seems to be the popular opinion. I do both, simultaneously, and enthusiastically. As do all my most awesome friends. YES, I recognize the pure awfulness of it. But you know what?

I have a sense of humor.

You know what else I enjoy? Plan 9 From Outer Space. "The Bachelor." Harlequin romance novels (yeah, that's right). Quentin Tarantino movies. Maple donuts. "Family Guy." Also? Pride and Prejudice. McSweeney's Internet Tendency. Shakespeare (seriously). The Bible. T.S. Eliot. Jack Kerouac. Edith Wharton. Hemingway.

I'm a smart chick. I have a college degree. Magna cum laude, y'all. It's even in literature. When asked to list my favorite authors I'll give you names like Marilynne Robinson, William Faulkner, Dave Eggers, and Toni Morrison, and I won't be posing. They really are my favorites. When asked what I'm doing this weekend, I'll tell you I'm going to see Breaking Dawn: Part I, and I am stoked.

Here's a text message from Ashley (I know, it's been awhile, and it's not even Tuesday):

Why do people have such a hard time accepting this whole franchise for what it is? Bella IS sad sullen and wincing. Why should she be anything else? Why does every heroine have to be the cookie cutter strong independent feminist? That's not real life. And speaking of which, neither is any other aspect of this story! So why does it have to model marriage and love? If it did, it wouldn't be Twilight. If we all wanted to see accurate portrayals of family and marriage, we'd just stay home and stare at each other.

Word.

Will I see you at the cinema?

UPDATED: Text Message Tuesday: Brought to you by BlendTec

UPDATE: My multiple Twitter requests for a sample blender to use and review have been repeatedly ignored by the folks at @BlendTec.  If you value blender-related blog posts, reviews, sonnets, and recipes, and I know you do, send @BlendTec a tweet letting them know how much you would enjoy reading about their product and probably buying two or three for yourself if only they would cooperate by providing a sample to @NearNormalcy.  It's just good business, BlendTec.

ORIGINAL POST:

Ashley is my friend.  You know her by now.  She's also my reading buddy.  We bought Kindles together last year and have enjoyed buying and reading all the same books together, often embarrassingly cheesy or trashy or otherwise not-worthy-of-our-very-literary-selves books, and we keep each other's shameful secrets.  And it's better than before, when we had to buy these paperbacks and read them in shame.  The beauty of the Kindle is that you can read anywhere and nobody knows what garbage you're reading!  You can pretend to be reading Tolstoy at all times and nobody is the wiser.

Then Ashley allowed her children to destroy her Kindle.  Yes, it was a sad day.  So she's been reading on her iPhone, which is lame, and she knows it, because she's not reading much at all anymore, choosing instead to spend her time taking and editing incredibly beautiful and artistic photos of people's children (including mine) and sewing adorable clothing for her daughters and herself.  And sometimes for my daughter.  She's Martha Stewart.  And yes, I'm reaping the benefits of all her new found talents, and I'm so proud of her accomplishments and I think she's fabulous.  But I miss my reading buddy! 

Because I used to be part of a fun conspiracy to consume massive amounts of trashy literature in secret; now I'm just a 30-year-old woman reading Twilight.

But guess what?  Kindles are suddenly CHEAP.  Have you heard?  I heard the other day. I mean, now she can stop being all productive and talented and go back to spending hours at a time on her couch reading books too embarrassing to admit to in public!  Just like me! 

So I texted her with the AMAZING news.

Alyssa says

Ashley. YOU can now have a brand new kindle for only $79!!! http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0051QVESA/ref=famstripe_k

Ashley says

:-(

Alyssa says

no, i think you mean :-)

save your pennies. charge somebody exactly $79 for a photo shoot, and get kindled!

Ashley says

I've discovered a kitchen appliance that I CANT LIVE WITHOUT. And unfortunately that's where my next 379 will be going. Including photo shoot money.

Alyssa says

what?? what kitchen appliance??

you're choosing KITCHEN APPLIANCES over A KINDLE TO READ THE NEW [series too embarrassing to publish online] BOOK WITH ME.

Ashley says

There's a new [series too embarrassing to publish online] book?

Alyssa says

yes. yes there is.

Ashley says

You weren't there at Costco with me today. It's. Amazing. It does everything.

Alyssa says

WHAT does?

Ashley says

It's like the superman of blenders.

Alyssa says

blenders? a BLENDER? really.

Ashley says

I can't remember what it's called!! I was too busy eating hot soup made right in the blender from raw ingredients! And lemonade! And soft serve ice cream made in minutes! And almond milk!!

Alyssa says

all of that? you were eating all of that AT costco?

Ashley says

Yes!

Made from one appliance. This super blender

Blender is not really an adequate word because it's so much more than a blender.

Alyssa says

you don't need that. soup comes in a can. ice cream and almond milk and lemonade. all sold in stores.

Ashley says

You can buy wheat berries, grind them to flour, pour in water and yeast, it will knead the dough for you, and bam, you have homemade bread

Alyssa says

that sounds disgusting.

Ashley says

Fine. I will not offer you any of my homemade bread.

Alyssa says

good. i'll be eating buttered popcorn and reading on my kindle.

Ashley says

You can make your own butter for goodness sakes.

Ooh! I'll make the butter for you!

Alyssa says

ARE YOU AMISH NOW??? MAKE YOUR OWN BUTTER? ARE YOU LISTENING TO YOURSELF??

Ashley says

I can read on my phone still dude.

Alyssa says

you make me sad.

Ashley says

Not uh. YOU make ME sad.

Alyssa (after flexing her Google muscles) says

the blendtec total blender? is this what you're leaving me for?

Ashley says

I don't know. Maybe.

If you had been there, you'd understand.

Alyssa says

would i?

it's a $79 KINDLE. and you're talking to me about blenders and making your own butter. i'm not sure i understand anything anymore. 

Ashley says

I probably wouldn't actually use it to make my own butter. Besides, my husband is NEVER going to let me spend money on a kindle after already breaking one. There's no way. It's just the principle of the thing.

Alyssa says

if you buy that super blender, you are REQUIRED to make your own butter. do you hear me? REQUIRED.

Ashley says

I'll make you ice cream, in like less than 3 minutes, and you'll be a believer.

She bought the blender, you guys.  I went with her to Costco to see with my own eyes.  BlendTec Mark up in his fancy kiosk with his headset microphone just like Billy Mays whizzed up a blender full'o'hot soup right before my eyes and yes, it was delicious.  And hot.  And soup.  

And yes, I'm kind of jealous and want my own BlendTec.  OK?  I said it.  It's RED.  It's the same blender they use at Jamba Juice.  I really want a smoothie.  Razzmatazz, please.

If Ashley can make me a Razzmatazz I may forgive her for spending all her money on a blender and passing on the $79 Kindle.  MAYBE.


By the way, I think this is the blender.  If you're going to buy one, just do me a favor and do it by clicking this link, ok?  That way I get a cut.  And if enough of you buy them, maybe I can buy my own.  

Text Message...well, Thursday.

Yes, nitpickers, I know the bit is Text Message Tuesday, and I'm fully aware that today is Thursday.  Do you want to read a post, or don't you?  I mean if you really want to wait until Tuesday, feel free.  It'll still be here.  Honestly, you've come this far, so I've got your pageview, sucker.  Go on and click off if you really want to, and come back Tuesday.  Free pageview for me.  I don't care.

No, I do care.  Because I love you.  I'm sorry.  Just read the post, ok?  Or don't.  No pressure.  Whatever makes you happy.

Are we cool?  OK.  Good.  I'm sorry.

Texting Fun with Ashley:

Ashley says

So, what's with the closet obsession on pinterest? Is there some Freudian stuff we need to discuss?

Alyssa says

i AM a little closet obsessed, huh? 

in my defense i started out clicking one single closet pin and it led me to a bhg article with like 25 dif closet photos

i didn't seek them all out individually

Ashley says

Hmm. Ok.

Alyssa says

also you know it's cool. we WASTE our closet space, ashley.  waste it.

Ashley says

Mine aren't. They are all crammed full of stuff. Not one square inch of wasted space

Alyssa says

but are they beautiful?  can you actually access any of that stuff? and do you find yourself opening the doors to stare lovingly inside?

you need to paint the insides of your closets, please.  i can't, i rent.  so you need to do it instead.

Ashley says

You're kidding right? Painting the inside of my closet would fall at around

 421 on my to do list. Right after giving the dog a pedicure

Alyssa says

your dog needs a pedicure. i've been meaning to tell you.

Ashley says

Well that will happen when I reach 420 on my list. I'm currently working on number 3...finish laundry. I've been stuck on that one for several days.

Alyssa says

what were 1 and 2?

Ashley says

Wake up. Get dressed.

Alyssa says

good job!  did you also shower?  brush your teeth?  or are those later on the list?

Ashley says

Oooh I DID brush my teeth! And I shower at night.

Alyssa says

and where does "stalk alyssa on pinterest" fall on this list?  because I think you're jumping ahead here.

Ashley says

Pinterest is not actually on the list.

Alyssa says

you're terrible at lists.

Ashley says

I've actually been lost in the swamp that is my photo collection for the last few days. I'm out of memory on my computer.

Alyssa says

how does that even happen? out of memory on your phone, your computer. i'm never out of memory. possibly because i married tech support.

and he does magic tricks that i'm not aware of. maybe that's why he's always spending money on "flash drives" and "external hard drives."

 Ashley says

Probably. You're probably file hoarders. Instead of boxes and closets full of stuff, you have flash drives and disks and other computer-y stuff

Alyssa says

we do!  we have lots of computer-y stuff.  huh.  i always thought it was junk but maybe my wedding photos are on there!

 you know what i need? painted closets. with pretty baskets.  for storing computer-y stuff and hoarded files.
 Ashley says

Oh my. You have a sickness. Pinterestitis
Alyssa says
it's not a sickness.  it's a misunderstood blessing.  like anorexia.*

So there you have it, folks!  Text Message Thursday.  Exactly like Text Message Tuesday, only 2 days later.  Or 5 days earlier, depending on your point of view!

Time to weigh in: Should Ashley paint her closets for me?  Also, is it weird that she showers at night?

*Oh my goodness, do not freak out on me, readers!  Anorexia is BAD.  It's awful and it's a disease and there's nothing good about it at all.  Extreme Sarcasm Alert™!  I really shouldn't even have to explain that.  Why are you so uptight?

Text Message Tuesday

Today Ashley took her children (A., 4, and R., almost 3) to the zoo.  While she was there, she sent me this.

Ashley says

Do you see that???!  I'm at the zoo and they are allowing that in plain sight.  AND they are grunting like perverts. And the girls are watching them..."Hey, what are they doing? They're talking!" R's screaming "HEY turtle! Let go dat other turtle!"

Alyssa says

"Let go dat other turtle!" Ha. I so heart your daughter.  Are you at the zoo right NOW?

Ashley says

Yes! And they aren't even in a turtle honeymoon suite. They are out in the open in the giraffe exhibit.

Alyssa says

I am so blogging this.  Turtle honeymoon suite!  And do turtles and giraffes coexist peacefully??

Ashley says

Apparently they are oblivious to each other.  A. also wants to know why the chimps aren't wearing panties.  Because they have weird bottoms.  This is a very entertaining trip.

Alyssa says

Dude I'm trying to email myself the turtle photo and my phone won't let me.  Maybe my phone is censored against offensive material.

Ashley says

I'll email it to you.

Alyssa says

Did you vote for the Monster in the Evil Baby Glare-Off?

Ashley says

LOL. Um. I certainly will.  I haven't been on Facebook for a few hours.

Alyssa says

Dude I posted this YESTERDAY.  Do you even READ my blog anymore?  :(

[then we went back and forth for a little bit about how she secretly hates me and my blog, and she *claims* that yesterday's post never showed up on her Facebook newsfeed, but I have my doubts.  I mean, you guys saw this, right??]

[then she didn't email me the photo as PROMISED]

[so that's why this Text Message Tuesday is happening on Wednesday]

Text Message Tuesday

Ashley is my funny friend.  Adam is her husband.  A. and R. are her daughters, ages 4 and 2, respectively. She's a stay-at-home mom and amateur photographer and generally all-around wonderful human, and she makes me laugh on a daily basis.  And these are our text messages.

 Ashley says

Trying to keep a very unhappy kid quiet at target while I wait for her rx.

Alyssa says

aw. ok. tell her I said I love her and also if she doesn't behave for you Mickey Mouse will die.

Ashley says

I already told her that if she didn't cooperate for the doctor today her owie would get worse and she'd have to go to the hospital and get a shot in her butt. How many times can you lie to your kids in one day?

Alyssa says

poor sick baby. stop being so mean to her.

Ashley says

She has coxsackie virus. All they could do is prescribe me a big bottle of lidocaine cream for her ulcers and warn me not to let her swallow it or she could choke and aspirate.

Alyssa says

reassuring. 

[later that day]

Ashley says

What are you doing today?

Alyssa says

Cleaning. And sitting around avoiding cleaning. You?

Ashley says

rocking R. in her daddy's chair. And brushing off my healthy child and feeling terrible about it.

Alyssa says

Tell A. I love her and if she doesn't behave for you Mickey Mouse will die.

Ashley says

What is it with you and making the children think they have the power to kill Mickey Mouse?? That might not actually be a deterrent for R., you know. She's kind of different.

Alyssa says

You should really be concerned if your toddler isn't bothered by the thought of causing the sudden and tragic death of Mickey Mouse.

Ashley says

A. has been begging me for days to put on my renaissance dress and play princesses with her. I'm going to have to do it eventually.

Alyssa says

Wait.  WAIT. you have a renaissance dress????

Ashley says

Yeah I do. I made it in high school for my senior project.

Alyssa says

You dress up like a princess. You're a better mom than me, but we knew that. I'm more concerned with this dress.  You made it at 17...and it still fits? I officially hate you.

Ashley says

Hahaha. Well, let's just say I can't wear it for very long or blood stops flowing to my brain.

Alyssa says

I think that's just a natural effect of motherhood.

You'll notice our conversations often end rather abruptly.  This, too, is a natural effect of motherhood.

Text Message Tuesday

Ashley is my funny friend.  Adam is her husband.  A. and R. are her daughters, ages 4 and 2, respectively. She's a stay-at-home mom and amateur photographer and generally all-around wonderful human, and she makes me laugh on a daily basis.  And these are our text messages.

Ashley says

So, R.'s room is all stripped bare, white walls, nothing on the windows. Her room is bright and clean looking with lots of natural light. In other words, a perfect studio space.

Alyssa says

do you need children to photograph in that space?  cuz i have some.

Ashley says

My question is, how terrible of a mother would I be if I took R.'s room over as my studio?

Alyssa says

if you let me blog about it, i am totally in favor

Ashley says

I just put R. in there with a huge slice of watermelon and a yellow polka dot shirt. Adorable.

Alyssa says

ack.  see?  that's better than a bedroom.  she'll have that photo...forever.

Ashley says

Where am I supposed to put her though?!

Alyssa says

sharing a room is SO GOOD for kids.  think of all the valuable lessons they'll learn about sharing, and not killing each other!

Ashley says

Adam would never let me do it.

Alyssa says

why does Adam hate your kids?

Ashley says

I don't knooooow!