Friday, November 18, 2011

Twilight. I Love it. Also, I hate it. But man do I love it.

I think the Twilight series is awful. It's a terrible example of how to be a woman, of how to love a man, of how to live your life. Worse, it's poorly written. It's full of plot holes and angst and purple prose. The movies are poorly acted, poorly directed, and somehow even more poorly written than the books. They turn Robert Pattinson, a beautiful, charismatic man in other contexts, into somebody I want to punch in the face.

I fully intend to go see Breaking Dawn: Part I as soon as possible.

I'll do this in spite of all the awful reviews. I expect awful reviews. I believe the awful reviews, and anticipate that I will agree with them wholeheartedly. But I'll put down my $10 to see it anyway.

Because I love Twilight.

No, you don't have to "love it or hate it," as seems to be the popular opinion. I do both, simultaneously, and enthusiastically. As do all my most awesome friends. YES, I recognize the pure awfulness of it. But you know what?

I have a sense of humor.

You know what else I enjoy? Plan 9 From Outer Space. "The Bachelor." Harlequin romance novels (yeah, that's right). Quentin Tarantino movies. Maple donuts. "Family Guy." Also? Pride and PrejudiceMcSweeney's Internet Tendency. Shakespeare (seriously). The Bible. T.S. Eliot. Jack Kerouac. Edith Wharton. Hemingway.

I'm a smart chick. I have a college degree. Magna cum laude, y'all. It's even in literature. When asked to list my favorite authors I'll give you names like Marilynne Robinson, William Faulkner, Dave Eggers, and Toni Morrison, and I won't be posing. They really are my favorites. When asked what I'm doing this weekend, I'll tell you I'm going to see Breaking Dawn: Part I, and I am stoked.

Here's a text message from Ashley (I know, it's been awhile, and it's not even Tuesday):

Why do people have such a hard time accepting this whole franchise for what it is? Bella IS sad sullen and wincing. Why should she be anything else? Why does every heroine have to be the cookie cutter strong independent feminist? That's not real life. And speaking of which, neither is any other aspect of this story! So why does it have to model marriage and love? If it did, it wouldn't be Twilight. If we all wanted to see accurate portrayals of family and marriage, we'd just stay home and stare at each other.
Word.

Will I see you at the cinema?

30 comments:

  1. WORD. I cant wait. Let's make t-shirts and wear them ironically. :-P

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  2. Did you ever get that Bedazzler you had your eye on?

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  3. I love Plan 9!! I'm a dorky Ed Wood fan.

    But I don't go anywhere near the Twilight stuff.

    I promise not to judge you. Much. ;)

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  4. And yes I think Bella is a whiny little bitch who needs a good slap in the face. But that's not my problem with the franchise. I read the first two books. It's terrible writing. AWFUL. I just couldn't find anything good about it, so I stopped reading. And the movies really don't look that awesome to me. But I'm a movie fan, so I'll probably end up watching them at some point in my life. To tell you the truth. Because I just love movie so damn much.

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  5. Nope. But I'm starting to think a trip to the thrift store is in order. Or we can just head over to Hot Topic. I'll get a team Edward shirt and you can get a Team Jacob shirt, and we'll show the world that we can be unified even in our differences. See? There's a positive message from Twilight!

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  6. I want a Bedazzler. I am jealous of your potential glitteriness.

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  7. I haaaaaaaaaaated Twilight. I read the entire damn series because I'm OCD like that. But, you know what, I don't give a flying monkey fart if you like it, because interpreting literature and applying to it to your own life is richly a personal experience, and who says I'm right.

    That being said, the crazy woman in her mid-fifties who *tattooed* the movie poster on her back... she be crazy.

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  8. I will also be seeing this horrible movie. And I also love Family Guy, Pride and Prejudice (the book and the movie with Colin Firth as Mr. Darcy), and the Bible.

    I really like Ashley's idea of making t-shirts and wearing them ironically...awesome plan.

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  9. OMG, me too, about everything you said. Twilight is TERRIBLE but I love it so, so much. It makes no sense, but I am completely okay with that.

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  10. Colin Firth. Ah, Colin Firth. Now. Imagine if Colin Firth were a vampire!!

    OK, sorry, I got carried away.

    I wear everything ironically. Is that weird?

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  11. Yes! I knew there must be more of us out there. That's why I wrote this brave, brave post. To reach out and build a community. :-D

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  12. Oh Lord. Colin Firth.

    ::falls over, dies::

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  13. ::in a good way::

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  14. You rock. Thank you for your acceptance. :)

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  15. Hahaha YES!! Well said! I'm a Twilight lover/hater too. Proud of it!

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  16. As you know, I saw it last night. I'm such a gangsta that I am not afraid to say that it was the BEST! ONE! OF! THE! SERIES! In both the books and movies, Bella is a whiny, snivelling brat. But that's why I like her- she's imperfect. Edward was a whiny bitch, too. I lived the series because of JACOB. Taylor's looks are a bonus. Omg, is that ripply torso a bonus. I love his characterization. In the books (esp Breaking Dawn) he said, "Sure, sure" too damned much, but I loved him just the same. Why do I live him, so? Because that was ME in high school. Except my "Bella" didn't choose someone else and finally realized that what he'd looking for really HAD been staring him in the face all along.

    We've been married 15 years now. I love knowing that like me, Jacob ends up hopelessly in love with that love returned just as fully as gives it.

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  17. Aw, I love you, Moxie! Haha you have got to be the only grown woman I know who actually finds parallels in Twilight to her own life and I LOVE you for that! SO MUCH!

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  18. "that's ok I didn't want to share anyway." HAHAHAHAHA. beautiful. Your daughter is clearly more intelligent than the rest of us and that's ok with me. ;)

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  19. OK you guys my comments just went NUTS and I had to go through and delete like 20 duplicate comments...not sure what that was all about, but if I somehow deleted your original comment I am SORRY, please leave me another!

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  20. You are so right. I love the movies for the sake of entertainment. I just think we all have to put it out there that Bella sucks, you know for the sake of the children. I wouldn't want anyone looking up to her. The book? I read one page and couldn't take anymore. And I was in the bathroom, so I chose to read the back of the Tampax box instead. But the movies are fun and get my heart pounding, even though I know how it's going to end. Jacob has an amazing body, but that boyish face ruins it for me. And Edward? Yuck. Thank goodness the vampire dad is hot. And that one beefy one who doesn't talk much. Yum.

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  21. So many excellent points in this comment. Yes: t we all need to put it out there that Bella sucks, for the sake of the children. HA. Children: Bella SUCKS. Seriously. Do not be Bella. Do not desire to be Bella. My own daughter will not be reading these books until her intelligence and maturity level are such that she can enjoy them with the full and certain knowledge that BELLA SUCKS.

    You chose to read the back of the Tampax box instead! LOL. I must say that I prefer the books to the movies. But I have a particular weakness for truly terrible literature. I take great pleasure in it, for whatever reason. It's tougher for me to sit through the awful acting. But I stick it out. Mostly for Jacob's abs. And that beefy one who doesn't talk much.

    SO glad you stopped by. :)

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  22. I'm going with a fairly Twi-hard fan to see it tomorrow, even though I've only read one of the books and only seen the first film, and didn't care much for either (thought strangely, if pushed, I would actually say I preferred the film to the book, if only for the fact that - because it's a visual medium - I didn't have to suffer through ten pages of 'prose' about how attractive Edward Cullen is).

    I'm going because I'm a good friend, and because I heard this one is where everything goes a bit doolally.

    Besides, I don't think it's the flaws that annoys people so much about the Twilight franchise. It's its fans, trying to convince us that it's actually good, and deep, and meaningful.

    Just my 2p, at least.

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  23. Those people annoy me, too. Good and deep and (snort) meaningful? I couldn't even type it with a straight face. It is none of those things, and that's precisely why I enjoy it. But please don't confuse me with the grown women who just LOVE it with no sense of irony whatsoever. The hate is as important as the love. :)

    Thanks for stopping by! And you really are a good friend. Hope your Twihard appreciates you. :) Get extra popcorn on her!

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  24. I am right there with you on this crazy train. I could have written this post (except it wouldn't have been funny) because I feel exactly the same way

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  25. I'm feeling so validated with all these lovely, talented, intelligent women coming out to tell me they're on board my crazy train. :)

    I may need your artistic talents to design me a "team jacob" t-shirt. Do you offer bedazzling services?

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  26. Oh my gosh! That is EXACTLY how I feel about Twilight. I hate it. I loath it. I want to go see it because I must. I read all four of those books in like one week. The writing sucked, but she told a humdinger of a story and it sucked me in. Would I ever want my daughter to act like Bella? Hell no. I would have to drive a stake in the man's heart who tried to lure my daughter into giving up her life for one creepy dude who sneaks in her window.

    I love your take on this. You are SO right on.

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