Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Wordless Wednesday, iPPP, whatever, here are some pictures of my kids

It's summer, y'all. We're playing in the dirt and rocking our swim lesson couture. That's how we roll.

I'm also making tumblers like a boss.

Linking it up at iPPP this week. And I can't make their button work. So here's a link instead.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

That Diet Coke was lying in wait.

I had a Wordless Wednesday post all ready for you guys this morning, but it'll have to wait. Because I have words.

So, you guys remember the Diet Coke that ruined my day last week, right?

It struck again.

OK, this is the point where I'm forced to confess the state of my car. My husband will read this and yell "IT'S DISGUSTING." He won't even sit in my car. Which is good, because there's no room for him.

It's not my fault! You've seen this, right?

I saw this on Facebook and according to that little logo in the corner, it originated at
This is a photo of my passenger seat that I snapped this morning when I got to work. It is undoctored.

I count 3 empty Mountain Dew containers. A box of...stuff. A bag of foam pistols (long story). Some dirty kid clothes (the clothes are dirty, not the kid. Mostly). A random cup. A bag of cherries from my mother's tree. My laptop. A ziploc bag filled with crushed graham crackers. And that's the FRONT SEAT.
So. This morning I got the kids in the car, and I got all our stuff in the car (no small feat), and I got in the car, and I realized I had no free cupholder for my morning Dew.

Because that Diet Coke was still there. Yes, it was still there a week later. And because it's Diet Coke, it was still completely full.

I almost just set it on the garage floor to deal with later, but no, I decided to be responsible and take it out to the garbage.

So I took this large, very full, week-old Diet Coke outside, and I opened the lid to the trash can, and I dropped it in. As I was about to let go I thought, wait, I should dump it out, right? Like, in the dirt or something? I mean that's a lot of liquid to dump in the trash can. Plus I think the trash can is empty because it was just trash day so there are no cushy bags of used diapers to break the fall; this thing is going to hit the bottom of the can and splatter.

I thought all these thoughts in the split second before I let go. I leaned forward to confirm that the can was, in fact, empty.

It was.

But I lost my grip. I dropped the cup. While I was still poised OVER the can, peering down at the bottom.

It didn't splatter. Splatter doesn't cover it. Not remotely.

It was like...I'd shot a Diet Coke missile. And the missile hit an immovable object at high velocity and backfired STRAIGHT INTO MY STUPID FACE.

It was indescribable. Truly. One second I'm being a responsible adult, tossing my week-old Diet Coke into the trash can instead of leaving it on my garage floor. The next I am drenched in week-old Diet Coke. Diet Coke that has been sitting in my black car, in June, in California, for a week.

Thank goodness I wear glasses. That's all I can say. My glasses were coated in it but my eyes were largely protected. Until it began to drip, that is.

I turned around and went back into the garage, in a state of shock. My poor children. Mommy steps outside for a moment, her usual svelte and together self (ha), and steps back in looking like a swamp monster. My hair was dripping, my shirt splattered in sticky brown goo, my eyes squeezed shut to block out the toxins.

I went inside and spent a few minutes mopping up. Did you know week-old Diet Coke is an effective makeup remover? Ate my foundation right off my face. Mascara was dripping down my cheeks. And my hair. Oh, my hair.

You guys, my kids were already in the car! It was time to go! I took two minutes to rub a wet wash cloth over my face and through my hair, changed my shirt, rinsed my glasses, we go!

So that's why I was late to work this morning.

How much of that story do you think my boss needs to hear?

Sunday, June 10, 2012

My "SORRY!" face

So I went to the gas station the other day.

Because I needed gas.

All the pumps were full except one, and that one was on the wrong side, so I would have had to back in. Only as a general rule I don't drive backwards in public or crowded spaces, because driving backwards has a tendency to make me run into things.

Shut up.

So. I'm looking at this gas pump, and I'm thinking, you know? A lot of these stations have those extra long hoses now, that are made to go on either side of the car.

Now, usually those gas stations have signs indicating that their hoses are extra long and made to go on either side of the car.

You know. Like this.

And I saw no such sign. But, using my highly mathematical brain, I eyeballed the hose and decided it was probably long enough.

Do I really need to tell you the outcome of that experiment?

It wasn't long enough, you guys.

I swiped my card, pushed the start button, dragged the nozzle...halfway around the back of my car. No dice.

Great. Now people were watching, of course. So I put the nozzle back. I'd have to turn around. But my credit card was already in that pump, so I needed to hurry up and get turned around and get back. I climbed back into the car just as this guy pulled up in front of me and hit his blinker, obviously assuming I was leaving.

But I was not leaving. I pulled out into the space right in front of him and executed a stunningly graceful 8- or 9- or possibly 13-point turn until I was facing the right direction, and sloooooowly backed in, up to the pump. I didn't hit anything! So there's that.

While I was doing this, of course, I looked at the guy and shot him my silent "SORRY!" face. You know that face? You have one, too. This face, in my head, is not only totally comprehensible as meaning "SORRY," it's also so very adorable that nobody could possibly remain irritated with me while I'm making it.

In actuality...

I mean...that totally looks like I'm saying "SORRY," right??
By the time I finished this whole spectacle, of course, the machine had canceled my transaction and proceeded to sit there, frozen, for a good 3 minutes until it finally cleared out and let me start over.

By then there were like 4 open spots that would have been on the right side of my car. Turn-signal dude just shook his head and took one of those.


Thursday, June 7, 2012

My Daring Journey Through the Impassable Labyrinth; or, my trip to H&M

Yesterday was the Girl Scouts' trip to Build-a-Bear. It's the Girl Scouts' 100th anniversary, you know. So Build-a-Bear has like, a super special Girl Scout bear and all our girls got to go make one. YAY!

OK yeah, that's actually pretty cute.
So I left work, ran to the babysitter's house, packed up the kids and rushed out there to make it in time. Just slid in as they were getting started. I'm already looking at my watch (OK, my phone, who wears a watch?) and calculating what time we'll be home so I can make dinner and get some housework in before I have to start filling Etsy orders, catching up on The Bachelorette, sleeping, etc. I'm figuring what, 30 minutes at Build-a-Bear? 45?

Build-a-Bear was a TWO HOUR EVENT, you guys. TWO. HOURS.

Oh, and I had my toddler in the stroller, already stretching his little arms as far as they'll reach to get all the shiny pretty Bear outfits and accessories that are all right at his eye level and that all cost like, more than ACTUAL clothing I buy for my ACTUAL children.

You can buy your Bear a Bear iPod. I'm serious. Except I think it's called an "iPaw." I'm still serious.

Monster knows a lot of words now. He was demonstrating with enthusiasm his mastery of "DOWN" and "MINE" at Build-a-Bear.

This face means "Well, hello there. I am adorable and I will destroy you."
So I left. I mean, I left my Girl Scout there to Build her Bear, and the Monster and I took off, with the Girl Scout leader's blessing ("DOWN! MINE! DOWN!"). Whew. Freedom! In the mall!

And this, friends, is the point in the story where I make an Alarming Discovery.

I? Am old.

Maybe you don't find this alarming. It's true, I've been old for awhile now. I thought I knew this. But there's nothing quite like 2 hours in a mall to really drive that point home.

I was bored.

In the mall.

I took three steps into Forever 21.  And you know what? They could name their store Forever a Two-Headed Unicorn, but walking in there wouldn't make me one of those, either. I am, in fact, 30.

So I left Forever 21 and headed to H&M. I'd never been to H&M, mostly because H&M is not located inside Target. But I'd heard they had cute kids' stuff for pretty cheap, so off I went with my stroller.

I DID find some cute kids' stuff, and some of it was cheap. I got the Princess a cute little purple sundress, and the Monster found a Lightening McQueen hat ("MINE! CAR! MINE! HAT! CAR! MINE!"), so I went ahead and bought that, too.

Or I tried to.

I couldn't actually find the cash register. I mean, I did, eventually. But it took me time, you guys. Like, some real time. I passed those Lightening McQueen hats ("MINE!") at least seven times. I was starting to get scared. I found the exit a few times, but I had to buy ("MINE!! HAT!!") the stuff I wanted ("MINE!!") and WHY would they hide the place you go to give them money?

I was just really starting to panic, and considering consulting my GPS to see if Google Street had an H&M Aisle View option or something, when suddenly, as if by magic, I was in line! There was a cashier! I planted my feet and kept my stare locked on her, lest she disappear. I might have creeped her out a little. But you've gotta do what you've gotta do. I only had one extra diaper in my purse, you guys, we could NOT get lost in there again.

But we did.

We paid without incident, and the Monster put HIS hat on HIS head and glared at me with triumph or something, and off we went. Just...this way...right?

They have mirrors.

And then they have weird partitions that look like mirrors, except there's nothing there, it's just a weird faux partition and you can walk right through it, except not THIS one, THIS one is actually a mirror, and look! Lightening McQueen hats! "MINE! HAT!"

I got lost again! Like, truly, deeply, intricately lost. I clutched my H&M bag and my stroller handles and began to make plans. Would we have to sleep here? What would we eat? Would the Princess find us? Maybe the Build-a-Bear people would bring her here? But what if they got stuck too?? SAVE YOURSELF, PRINCESS! GO BACK TO THE BEARS, YOU'RE SAFE THERE!

Seriously, I wandered around for a good 10 minutes AFTER I was done shopping. H&M exists on a different plane than the rest of the mall. It's in its own dimension, and it is terrifying.

Eventually, you'll be happy to hear, the otherworldly beings in charge of H&M saw fit to release me, and I did find my way out.

And I was parched. (Side note: what is it about malls that makes you so thirsty? Or is that just me? Discuss.) I wanted a Mountain Dew real bad. And didn't I deserve one, after what I'd been through?! Alas, the soda machines in the Mall of No Escape have only Coke products. I hate bottled Coke, but fountain Coke is OK. So I headed to the food court.

The food court wanted $2.99 for a little fountain drink. I almost paid it, but then I looked at my phone and realized that the two hours had almost completely elapsed while I was stuck in the parallel universe that is H&M, and it was almost time to pick up my Girl Scout and leave this place! And there's a McDonald's right across from the mall, and they can give me a large Coke for $1 instead of a small for $2.99. I'll wait. And that Coke will taste SO GOOD.

This is called foreshadowing, you guys.

So we went back to Build-a-Bear, and the Girl Scouts were still in the process of stitching their Bears' backs shut and cramming stuffed hearts into their body cavities. And then of course, the brand-new Bears needed baths at the Bear Bath Station.

Hang on, Mom. Don't rush me. This bear has dirty feet. She needs a full-service air pedicure.
And then there was a whole dance routine (no, really), and then there was still story time and then the Build-a-Bear girl asked them all to recite the Girl Scout Promise, which most of them could not do (they're Daisies!).

And then of course Princess wanted SHOES for her bear and I refused because I'm EVIL so we had to have that discussion ("MINE! BEAR! DOWN! MINE!!") and I showed her the dress I got her and she twirled and showed all her Girl Scout friends and then she gave it back and still wanted Bear shoes but I wasn't budging because I am EVIL.

Why you gotta be so evil?
Finally, we left the mall. We drove straight to McDonald's. I was so, so thirsty. I ordered a large Coke and drove off into the sunset.

They gave me a Diet Coke.

Oh snap. There's more. Read That Diet Coke was Lying in Wait.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner

Not really. I don't give away chicken dinners here.

I DO, however, give away merchandise from the fabulous Sticky Chic Boutique on Etsy!

Personalized acrylic tumbler with lid and straw

Thanks to everybody who entered my very first giveaway, and helped me "break in" my Etsy shop. I appreciate you all.

And now to the good stuff. The winner! chose this person, not me, so send your hate mail to them.

The winner is...

Entry #54, Amanda Fransen!!!!

Congrats, Amanda! Let me know which of the 3 prize choices you'd like, and we'll get started designing something Sticky Chic just for you!

BUT WAIT! Here's something for the rest of you losers valued friends.

I'm exactly like Oprah. Check it:

EVERYBODY IN THE AUDIENCE receives a coupon code for 15% off your ENTIRE order at Sticky Chic Boutique!

So go visit the shop and buy that thing you were hoping to win. Don't see exactly what you want? Dude, it's CUSTOM vinyl art! Just shoot me an email, a comment, a tweet, a smoke signal*, and I will design something just for you.

 Use coupon code NEARLYNORMAL for your 15% off through June 15, 2012.

*I cannot guarantee satisfaction if you choose this method of communication.