Monday, August 1, 2011

Kindergarten-related panic attack

My daughter starts kindergarten two weeks from today.  Two weeks, you guys!  14 days!  Until she grows up and leaves me forever!

I mean technically she's still 5 years old and like, requires help tying her shoes, and she can never remember how to spell her last name all the way through, and she doesn't have a Facebook account and she's not allowed to cross the street or eat candy in the morning or drink caffeine ever and these are all required activities for independent living.

But she's going to kindergarten, and I don't know if you knew this, but they have kindergarten at the very same school as like, 5th and 6th graders!  Under the same roof as my baby!  Those kids are huge!  And mean.  And corrupt.  I'm pretty sure they all sell drugs and watch True Blood.  And worship Satan.  You think I'm being dramatic, but this is public school, ok?  And my innocent child is about to be exposed to these degenerates for hours at a time.

Also?  The first day is two weeks away and I have received NOTHING from her school.  I don't even know her teacher's name.  We have no supply list, so naturally I googled "kindergarten supplies" weeks ago, you know, "to get an idea," and I read approximately 13,000 different lists from schools across the nation, and I'm now fairly certain I'm going to have to furnish her entire classroom myself including desks and drywall and electricity, and they're not going to give me a list until the school supply sales are over, and I might have to sell her brother just to afford to send her to public school.


Because who is going to want to buy her brother?  He drools, he bites, he requires you to mash up all his food or at least dice it really small, and he pees everywhere.

So basically, I have no options at this point, and I'm about to lose both my children, one for sale to the highest bidder (if there are any), and the other to a drug-addled cult of streetwise 6-year-olds.  Are you happy, California public school system?


  1. Lol... Kindergarten is really more of a growing phase in the parents life than the children's. They are excited to start school and meet new friends while we as parents bring a box of Kleenex with us and cry in public and return home and look through baby albums all day wondering where the time went. Don't worry though, it'll be ok. My two daughters, your nieces, have successfully went through the public school system with straight A's and haven't been initiated into a gang or started selling drugs. Just don't let her wear solid blue or red and she will be fine, says the junior high my baby will be going to in two weeks. Now I'm starting to have a panic attack :)

  2. You are so right. I already have two kids in the satanic, drug-infested public school system, (which, btw, doesn't allow the kids to observe Halloween...AT ALL....seems like an oxymoron to me, but whatever) and Roxie also starts Kindergarten in 10 days. For some reason, sending her is hitting me a lot harder than it did with the other two. She is still a baby. I mean really. A baby. Maybe I feel that way because she's so little. (She is in the 2nd percentile for height and weight.) I would totally consider holding her back a year, but she is so intellectually advanced, that I really can't justify it. If I did, she could probably teach the class when I finally did send her. So I am throwing her to the wolves. So sad. Good luck with selling the boy. I would make an offer, but this hotel is full.

  3. Oh, and about the supply lists. I never understood why the "free" public school system sends home a supply list longer than my arm, full of necessities that, I feel, should be included in the "free" part. Like tissues. And hand soap. And scissors. I clearly remember using the school's safety scissors in elementary school. We were not required to buy our own. What is up with that?

  4. @Jennifer L.
    I know! I have to buy glue sticks? No more communal pots of delicious kindergarten paste? What is the world coming to? Do I have to provide toilet paper for the restrooms, too?


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