Thursday, September 29, 2011

On the other hand...

Yesterday I posted an uncharacteristically touching and sentimental view of mothering two children.

Today I'll rectify that.

Because there's another side of raising siblings, you know.  Honestly we haven't had too much sibling rivalry because Monster is still a pudgy and adorable baby and Princess is a little girl who loves pudgy and adorable babies.  But sometimes, late at night, when they're all cozy in their beds and everything feels good and happy, I force myself to remember and prepare: he won't be a baby forever.

Today, she's 5 and he's 1.

Next year, she'll be 6 and he'll be 2.

Someday, she'll be 13 and he'll be 8.

Stop right there.  Let's think about that for a moment.

My daughter will be 13 at the same time that my son is 8.

Imagine, if you will, a 13-year-old girl.  Maybe you used to be one (I confess, I was one briefly.  It was a long time ago and I've outgrown it.  Mostly.).  Maybe you've raised one. Whatever the case, you've surely met one before, and if you've spent more than 30 seconds with one you know that 13-year-old girls without exception are a miserable, infuriating group of humans.

Characteristics of a 13-year-old girl:
  • Hormonal insanity.  
  • Hypersensitivity.  
  • Irritability. 
  • Raging insecurity.  
  • Irrationality.
  • General, overwhelming hysteria.
  • An incredibly low tolerance for things that are "gross" or otherwise unpleasant.
  • Little to no tolerance for things deemed "embarrassing" (including but not limited to: family members, jeans cut in the wrong style, eating in public, speaking in public, walking near boys, existing in front of other teenagers who are wearing the right kind of jeans, and you).
  • A complete inability to just ignore that which they find annoying or disruptive.

A fauxhawk did this! That's all it takes, people!

Click here for actual documentation* of a 13-year-old girl in action.

Now.  Imagine an 8-year-old boy.  I've never been one personally, but I once lived with one for an entire year, and the memory is crystal clear.  Eight-year-old boys are, without exception, the most annoying, exasperating people on the planet.  They live to provoke.

Characteristics of an 8-year-old boy:  
  • Speed.  
  • Boundless energy.  
  • Dirt.  
  • Gross noises.  
  • Affinity for insects and small, slimy animals.  
  • Keen awareness of what others might find the most irritating and/or embarrassing at any given moment.
  • Unrivaled talent for and irresistible urge to annoy.

I look harmless, but I will make you wish you were dead.

Someday, I will have both of these specimens coexisting inside my house.  And I'll still have to live there, too.  I think.  I'm looking in to it.

*Animaniacs may or may not have been based on a true story.  I'm just assuming it was.


  1. 13 year old girls also don't stop talking and have no respect for adults trying to relive their childhoods by watching The Lion King in theaters. Just sayin'. Not that I know this from a recent personal experience or anything...

  2. OK I just realized that my ages look wonky...because 5-1 is 4, and 6-2 is 4, and 13-8 is...5? But in my defense, they are almost precisely 4 years and 6 months apart. So technically for 6 months they will be 13 and 8, and the next 6 months they will be 13 and 9.

    No word yet on whether 13 and 9 is better than 13 and 8. I'll let you know in 2019.


Leave a comment! Be nice. Sarcasm is welcome. Trolling is not.