Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Do the Dew. Unless you don't want to dissolve from the inside out. I'm on the fence.

So. I'm innocently surfing Twitter and the lovely Alyssa Milano tweets this:

Look, I've read all the stories about putting a tooth in a cup of Coke and it disappears in 48 hours or whatever. I get it. Soda is battery acid. Whatevs. My problem with this story is the marketing.

In short: Guy claims to have found a mouse in his Mountain Dew, wants some cash from Pepsi to compensate him for the trauma. And we're not talking millions, here. He wants $50,000, you guys. That's all he's asking. Peanuts.

Still, Pepsi doesn't want to admit defeat and lose $50,000 if there really was no mouse, right? No. They want to prove there was no mouse. And don't worry! Pepsi and their multimillion dollar PR team have got this one, y'all. Oh man, this is so good. This guy thinks he can mess with Pepsi? Oh no he didn't. So they gather all their marketing gurus and Harvard lawyers and prepare the following water-tight defense:
"Nuh-UH! A mouse would dissolve instantly in Mountain Dew! Animal flesh and bone cannot even HANDLE the Dew; animal flesh and bone exposed to the Dew would turn into jelly in a matter of weeks. So we submit that there is no way you found a recognizable mouse in that can! Oh, SNAP." [high fives all around]

Come on, Pepsi. Help a girl out. I've stuck with you through the High-Fructose Corn Syrup scandal, the "Mountain Dew causes infertility" rumors. I'm addicted committed to your fine bubbly neon yellow hyper-caffeinated beverage and I'm really trying to stick with it. I want to keep Doing the Dew. I'm giving it all I've got here but you've gotta throw me a bone.

I'm thinking maybe...maybe...a better approach would've been, "Oh, dude. A mouse? Gross. We are so sorry. That was a freak factory accident; that never happens. Here's your 50K. And a lifetime supply of delicious, non-mouse-containing, nontoxic, noncorrosive Mountain Dew! Have a nice day."

This is why Pepsi should pay me a lot of money to do their marketing.

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